UnQuieT…mood and madness

I woke up early that morning, 3 am to be precise .It had been a ritual since the last couple of months to wake up in the midnight .It seemed as if it had been hammered into my

head to control my reflexes that way or was it my subconscious playing hide and seek with my CNS I dont know . After dragging myself out of the bed and sleepwalking for another 5 mins I found myself in front of the mirror.It was the same mirror I discussed before if you remember ,the same 30 by 40 cm mirror in front of which I share all my apprehensions. That day standing there all alone by myself I keenly noticed the minuscule facial deformations of mine and all the fruitless efforts of trying to hide them was visible .The dark circles under my eyes seemed to have grown a little darker ,the pale thin undernourished hair asking loudly for some oil ,I wish I wudnt have hated them that much and my bronze coloured skin as if I had spent hours standing under the sun. I noticed something on my face , a pimple I never had pimples before may be because I was a water guzzler.I hvnt been drinking recently ,it doesn’t bother me anymore.I don’t follow routines anymore I chuckled.

Coming to my pimple , it had reached the final stage ,where it begs to be picked .it was yearning for a release .To free itself from its white dome like house ,pressing untill the blood oozed out. Even though I made no effort to calm it, a sense of accomplishment ran through my nerve .I did all I could have done for this pimple.Rest in peace I murmured.

I checked my phone for the third time in a row for a while, just to reassure myself that there were no new messages. The instant gratification monkey inside me was not letting me be at peace so I decided to log on to my social networking profiles (all I had )in a row and check them all .I stalked random profiles ,checking every photos and captions ,reading ,rereading the coments people had made trying not to miss out on a single eye catchy post and occasionally envying the merry go happy posts and also ignoring the one that seemed to held my gaze more than a minute .I loathed the one who had kept their profile private thinking about the possible secrets that they could be hiding as if their secrets were like a Medusa to the public gaze. I sighed ,I secretly had an urge to have had a conversation with someone ,someone close a friend may be .It was the momentary need I must say . All I needed was to say something and ,I needed to have a deep meaning full conversation about random stuffs .you see I have a lot to talk about. I have always been an incurable gossip. You name a topic and I will keep going on and on untill you switch off the button .There are things to talk and discuss about stars ,moons ,galaxies,climate change,winter ,anxiety ,insanity,catatonia ,about the day to day business of being nuts ,because doctors don’t tell you much .I needed to discuss all of these ,the next day might not be there for me ?

I wish I could tell about things that I never went vocal about or I wish I could show the parts of me that I wasnot that proud of .I was tired ,tired of thinking of the world about people , existence ,sufferings midlife crises ,midlife career crisis and the never ending list of grief and sorrow .I felt as if I was burnt out on being troubled? Why does it matter why I feel this thusly ? Why I feel what I feel ? Is that the depression or insanity I had succumbed to ?seemed as if it had resulted under the maniac search for the meaning in life ? If yes then what kind of insanity it is ? The slow one or the fast one ???The amalgamation of questions were still running at the back of my head as if was a researcher trying to unveil a secret.

I looked at the wall clock ,the one I used to keep looking for hours when I had nothing else to do. 1 hour to go before the sun rises.I felt a tangible change in my mood. I felt thirsty all of a sudden.I made a hot steaming cup of coffee ,I sipped it slowly while still tangled up in the thought process. The feeling of what next seemed to juice down my throat as if the hot coffee had been conspiring against me all this while.what next ? Should I be consistent with my inconsistency ??? Should I run away like the way I did before ? I leaned against the wall, letting out the breath I had been holding for long .I sighed heavily.

6 am it was .The sun was still low in the sky. The sky loookked purple instead of blue , I have always believed in good omens and purple indicated hope. The air seemed fresh ,the kind that would make anyone jump out of the bed .I popped my head out of the window just to realize it was going to be a bright sunny april morning.

Symptoms of profligacy

Sometimes it becomes very difficult to make it through another day. Days seems long when everybody goes to work and I sit waiting for the day to pass peacefully. I wait all day and I think where to put my energy and I end up battling with my worst fear .I feel so damn lonely and suffocated. Then I close my eyes ……closing eyes ? It certainly helps access the memories faster ,memories that are dormant and has started to diminish with time . I try to explain myself in almost every possible and understandable way .I believe may be this would help me overcome my fear. I watch myself sleep and when I wake up I find myself standing in front of the mirror .I find myself struggling hard to hold on to my sanity for the next couple of hours .I saw the same dream again .something is definitely wrong about what I am doing but I am still doing it .destroying myself once again.

The enormity of my dream disgusts my conflicting impulses .I want to be independent and alone but I am greedy aswell .I seek for acceptance

I want to be the part of the world to share a small part of me .

Am I the only one thinking this way ? I have known bad days pass ,but mine just seem to love me . Here I am calling ,helping my bad days to be seen and heard ,helping myself transform once again into a butterfly…